Just an attempt to write something.

If any name here resembles others, its only a coincidence, and I apologise for that.
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………………….Ring!!!!!!!!!! Ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Why this alarm clock has to ring now??) These alarm clocks are so annoying, they are so insensitive, and they don’t know what other people think of them. Some might argue; “they are made for that,” why can’t we have some nice tunes in alarm clock. Well!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any way, I had to leave my cozy bed, in that harsh winter. With a promise to continue my dream later, I pulled myself out of bed. Once also thought of going back to bed again, it was revision time any way, didn’t really need to go to school.

Harkey SSSSSSSSSSS……….. Someone called me. *Saru….. 5 mins* my quick reply. Actually, this is the only motivation to leave my bed early. This is the moment I dream about every night. This is the moment I wait for everyday.

We are childhood friends, Saru and Me. She’s my next door neighbor; she’s more than my classmate. More than just friends…… there is no word to explain our relation. Sharing and caring between us was unbelievable and was more than friends. We share lot of common values and more too. Sometimes I feel, how could I live without her? I don’t know how she feels….lot of times I felt like asking her, but something inside me stopped, may be the fear to loose the best friend or the fear of unacceptance from society. After all she was so called ‘lower cast.’

My parents are liberal about the caste system. They won’t have any problem, but…………..the so called society that we have to live with. There is nothing I can tell them.

*Saru….are you prepared for finals?* I tried to change the thoughts playing in my mind.

*Harkey, are u really worried about finals?* a quick question from saru.

She really doesn’t believe, I would be ever worried about exams. Not because I am intelligent but because I am careless. Actually she is the one who is always pushing me during the exams. I believe ‘knowledge is what you know, compare to what you can write on paper’. I smiled………

*Harkey, k cha m*zi ?? haami laai baal diney ?* one of my friends. He used to be my classmate. Doesn’t go to school any more, reason; I don’t know. He told me he can’t afford, but surprisingly he can afford BS. These kinda guys can come handy sometimes, but he was annoying at this moment. Saru was with me, I didn’t like the way he talked.

*Thik cha yaar, sorry hai dekhina mailey* and talked for couple minutes and I walked towards Saru. She walked away from me, actually she doesn’t like my friendship with these guys.

*Harkey, I told you not to talk with these guys, I have to talk to your mom now* she started a long lecture again. It was not new for me, I am kinda used to it. I know she won’t complain, but still fakaunu ta paryo ni !!!!

I didn’t even know when we got to the school. Usually, I hang out with friends for sometime before class. I broke my rules, to be with Saru. I just could not stop it that day. I saw her more beautiful than ever before, more caring and loving than ever before. She was talking to her friends. Being Saru’s closest friend I have access to girls talk as well. Mostly, no one minds even if I join their group. It was a privilege, others guys were jealous about. In few occasions, I have used that privilege for others as well. Specially when guys like some girls and are scared or don’t have guts to talk to them. Its fun being messenger as well, it’s really nice when it works out good. I can still say, I helped even if it doesn’t work. It was also a good way to keep their (kta haru ko) mouth shut. Natra, it’d be difficult to even go to school

awww.... so cute!!! :P
Harke Dai - what happens next? (wink,wink) :) :)

shi* harkedaju .. baru, shra**ha ko yaad ma lelknu parcha ni :D
aani, po -- interesting hunthyo :D

enywayz, ramro cha :) aaba, story ma kun moad aauney ho kunni :p

brilliant.. waiting for more anxiously...

peaceeee

Dherai ramro

Saru..................?
The name is real or imaginary ?

I was looking at her. I just can’t stop staring at her. The way I was looking at her, was impossible to go unnoticed, and she definitely would notice that. I believe others really didn’t care. I was known to joke around with people too much, up to a limit where they won’t even talk to me. I’d go to Saru and ask her to talk to them and say sorry for me.

*Timi laai kati bhannu, jpt nabhana bhanera* Saru’d be mad at me.
*Ma jiskeko matra ta ho, telley seriously liyo k* I’d make sad face and try to find an excuse. There was always my fault I guess. But who cares, kinda those careless feelings.

Others really didn’t care and ignored, but Saru……….she could not ignore it. She peeped and found me staring at her again and again and again. Its not the first time I looked at her face, its not the first time we looked into each others eyes. But this was different…….we felt each other, this time.

*Saru…timi ra ma bihey garney hai, thulo bhaye pachi* I was in grade 1. I still remember those days. Even after 8 years, it’s still fresh in my memory. Actually I remember every moment I spent with her.

*Timi siganey sanga ko bihey garcha?* was her reply. Then I complained her mom about it. I went to her crying and said *aunty, saru ma sanga biha nagarney bhanchey*


She gave us a candy bar and said *thulo bhaye pachi garney bihey, ahiley hoina*

*Harkey….haami gayou hai, will be back in while…..* Saru’s voice distracted me from old memories. She didn’t like me looking at her. Possibly others noticed it too. I was there alone, lost again…..








I looked out of the window. The whole boys gang (kta haru) is talking and laughing. I don’t know what they are talking about. I become more conscious “Are they talking about me?” could be. After all they know me and Saru as a old friends…….but how could they laugh at me, they don’t know how I feel about her……Or do they ???

Actually, I have never let my feelings come out. I don’t know what happened today. I just could not stop myself. My heart, overcame my mind. I always have been very conservative towards showing my feeling and emotions out. And if it’s for Saru, I am more sensitive towards it. I don’t want her friends to make fun of her. No way, it just won’t happen…………Well, it didn’t happen until today. May be that’s why, she walked out on me.

Now, I am more scared if her friends realized it too. I don’t want embarrassment for her. But might be she has talked to her friends about me as well. Girly talks, who knows. They are very difficult to understand……but Saru is simple. I understand her………………understand very well. She is my best friend and I am proud of her. She understands me too………understands me very well.

I lost control over my feelings today. Is it time to express my feeling to her? Or should I still wait for some time. Why can’t it be simple? It’s been too much complicated for me. How come I let my emotions ruin me…….I have suppressed it for over a decade now. Why can’t I think something else today? Was I ever thinking anything else but Saru before……….?


contd.................

omggggggggggggggggggggg kya cute story :-D

keep continuing.....will want to read more tomorrow

cerineeeeeeee, long time no c :D

kata gayaab :-S

I get more as soon as I can :D




harkeDai :-)

ooooooooooo Harke....
how sweet k :P
where is the next part???

chito chito
i dont have patience.

लु यो हर्के त यहाँ सरुलाई याद अर्दै बसिरा रेछ :)

Rest of HarkeDai's love story.
(For those of you who can't wait to find out the ending - this is a cut and paste from www.staticnepal.com)

Saru knew I have cold allergy and cold water makes me sick. It was a month of Ashad, rainy season. “Looking cool is always guys thing and carrying umbrella or raincoat definitely is not cool”. I never carried one… and still don’t Any way, it was raining heavy and Saru handed me her umbrella

*Harkey…. Khub hero bhayera chaata nalikana hidnu parcha hoina ??* was a bonus dialogue with umbrella.

*Bharey, timi laai jwaaro aaucha, paani maa bhijyo bhaney, you take this, I don’t need it* Saru said.

I was speechless; I looked into her eyes but could not say anything. Took it and walked home with her quietly.

She was sick for more than a week after that.

Tun tun tun tun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My school bell shattered my old memories…………..

As usual morning assemblies……don’t want to go. *Harkey…lets go to morning assembly, it our turn today.* I was shocked to hear that, how could I forget that? Was my question to myself?

All the students in the school were divided into four different houses or clubs and captains or in-charge of those clubs was selected from one of the senior students. We were the senior most students in the school. I along with Saru were leading Blue house. Technically I was the Captain and she was vice-captain, but we had very good co-ordination so we both were kinda leading the club. Every day, someone had to lead the morning assembly and that day was our turn.

So, we got in front of the whole school and led the morning assembly. I don’t know what she felt, but she did most of the leading part. I was standing there only for a reason. Saru was there by my side. From what I felt, teachers didn’t like it that way, but didn’t complain either, because usually I am good with morning assembly. I just didn’t want to talk today and Saru felt that………I think.

Assembly was over, Saru looked at me, I looked at her. We looked each other……..deep into our eyes……..she turned and left. I called one of the kids * A bhai yeta aaijo ta, tyo drum haru bhitra lagera rakhdey hai office maa* (put these drums in the office). They took it and I followed Saru into the class.

Saru and me, we share same bench. We are the only students to do so. Other is in separate rows. Girls’ one row and boys’ one row, teachers don’t force us either. They know us for a long time. And they have no objection for our sitting.

She was already in the class; I went in, looked at her once again and took my sit.

It was hot month of Chaitra or Baisakh. I can’t remember it correct, but it was hot. We were in assembly that day too. I had small arguments with my parents that day. It was not a big deal, but I made it big. Made unsuccessful attempt to win the argument and skipped my meal in that attempt.

*I won’t eat anything, until you give me 1000 rupees* I slammed the door and waited for my mom’s reply. Surprise comes in a big package *if you don’t want to eat, don’t eat* was my mom’s reply.

It’s a matter of pride now…….well may be ego……….it was a pride that time. I went hungry. Empty stomach and heat and longer assembly hit on me at the same time. I could not hold myself, and fell on the ground. My friends took me to the first aid facility and Saru was with me there too. She actually skipped her class and stayed with me until lunch break.

She went out to get some food and juice for me. And watched me eating all, just to make sure I ate it all. As usual everything Saru does is follwed by a dialogue * why did you fight with auntie? huh * Saru said *mommy sanga jhagada garera nakhaai hidnu parney hoina, testai huncha* again !!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual I was quiet, had nothing to say, she is always right.

How can be Saru ever wrong? She cares for me, she thinks about me. She is there when I need her. What else can I expect from her? There is no more expectation. The only question is, is that only a friendship. My belief is it’s more than friendship, a different relationship in totality. I want to name that relationship, but can’t find a name for it.

I want to know what she thinks about me. What’s in her heart? I don’t know how to do that? Should I just ask her, would it be a good way to do it? Should I wait for some more time? I got into the same complications I began with.

*

Harkey!!!!!!!!! Yo kavita maa kavi ley k bhanna khojnu bhaako cha bhan ta* (what is poet trying to say in this poem) a loud husky voice belongs to my Nepali teacher.
He is famous among girls. No idea why. Students say, he is more open with girls than with guys and also his behavior suggests that, but never seen him doing so. I don’t know what happens outside of class. But he definitely has more girls in this tution group than guys.

I stood up, no answer what so ever. I was lost in my own thoughts, how can I answer his question. Saru looked at my face…..I noticed that……but could not look at her. I felt she knew what I was thinking. I felt she can get into my mind and heart. I felt she can read my heart and mind.

I turned red……completely red…………

I don’t even know what was going on in class. I was in class but full of thoughts. I never really thought what teachers were talking about. I don’t even know how those four classes passed. I realized lunch break after everyone started to walk out of the class. I did not feel like going out. I was staying in class. I usually go out of school. We do not have permission to leave school premises, but who needs permission. It’s my work, I live with my own rules. Cool guys, don’t follow rules, they break rules.

*Harkey, timi khaja khaana najaaney ?* (aren’t u going for lunch harkey ?) Saru has the most attractive voice I’ve ever heard, in my life. Saru, is the most attractive person, the best in the world. I don’t know if that was my biasness or real feeling. I felt it that way, never cared about what others think.

My friends definitely don’t think that way. They think she has proud on her beauty. May be because she doesn’t talk to others too often. Those days, you would go for months without talking to a girl in class. We would not talk to them until needed to. And girls would do the same too. I was different, because of Saru.
I didn’t bring my lunch that day. As if I ever did. I never brought my lunch to school. I used to get some money for lunch from dad. Spend on my personal needs and share lunch with Saru. She never complained and she won’t complain today either.

I replied her question *nah I am not hungry*. Actually, I didn’t feel like eating anything today. I have been thinking too much. Saru just doesn’t go out of my mind. I don’t know what I should do. I wanted to take her into my arms and kiss on those beautiful lips. I wanted to hide in those long black hairs, hide from this world and only be with Saru.

She looked at me; I believe she felt something different on me today. There was lot of things different that day. I could not hide myself from her. I could not hold myself that day. I let myself break apart. She noticed that today. Is this a good time, to express myself? Or should I even do it? I am in the biggest dilemma I have ever been into. I am in the mental stage, I was never into before.

As someone truly said “You are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world.” I haven’t been able to see other than Saru now. Her beautiful eyes look like they are trying to say something to me. Her long black hair attracts me more towards her. Those beautiful lips make me more passionate about her. I can listen to her all day and yet won’t be tired of her attractive voice. I can kill someone for that smile on her lips. I want us to sit side by side in the morning light and look out at the future together. No pronoun can explain the beauty she poses.

As Shakespeare has said “Love comfort us like the sunshine after the rain,” every time I look as Saru, I forget the world. I want to create a world for us, where there won’t be no sorrows, no sadness, full of beauties of the world and all the happiness in the universe. A place where we can be happy for ever and ever, leave all the world behind and be with each other.

(GOOD AFTERNOON MAA’M) all students in class stood up to greet our English teacher. She was also professor at Padhma Kanya campus; a very good teacher, loving and caring, always ready to help students. I never heard any students complaining about her. She is experienced too, and understands students very well. Not very close in relation to my family, but my mom knows her well enough to know that she started teaching when I was born. I didn’t even notice her, and she didn’t tell me anything for not greeting her. I don’t know if she didn’t see me or ignored me but definitely she did not know what I was thinking. I was thinking………..actually I was lost in thought, there was no thinking process. There is no thinking without result, mind gets lost without destination.

“Everyone, take out your notebook” strict order from my English teacher. She was supposed to dictate us some notes on important topic for Board exam. She was one of the board members to set board questions (SLC questions). I don’t want to write today. I am just not able to do anything today. I am all lost. I pulled out my notebook and pen. Saru was taking notes. Nice handwriting, she has. I have to write too, I told myself. I need to get out of this tornado, it’s like quick sand, the more I try to come out of it; it engulfs me more. There is no remedy for love but to love more, and that’s exactly what I am doing, loving Saru more and more every hour, every minute and every second. The more I look as her, the more I love her. Every time I close my eyes I see her beautiful face, ever time I open my eyes I see Saru looking at me. Every time I turn my head, I see Saru sitting by my side, looking and smiling at me.

How can I take notes? Every time I start to write, my sentence start with Saru. Pages are full of Saru. My heart is full of Saru….Saru and only Saru………….

Your lips speak soft sweetness
Your touch a cool caress
I am lost in your magic
My heart beats within your chest

I think of you each morning
And dream of you each night
I think of your arms being around me
And cannot express my delight

Never have I fallen
But I am quickly on my way
You hold a heart in your hands
That has never before been given away

Thought I could copy those notes from Saru. Never needed a reason to talk to her, but………….but now, I am looking for one. Teacher was talking about some grammar questions. There is a question which is very certain for SLC. Actually we have to fix the grammatical error in a statement. “Students are giving exam; correct it grammatically” my teacher threw a question at us. “Students are taking exam” was my answer. It sounds pretty easy, but is difficult for a student going to a public school in some remote areas, where teachers have higher rate of absence than all students combined have.

Teacher looked at me and smiled, I looked at her smiled back, looked at Saru……..no response.

I thought love was just a mirage of the mind,
it's an illusion, it's fake, impossible to find.
But the day I met you, I began to see,
that love is real, and exists in me.

As if it would end the class, end the school and end the life.

That was right after the school I guess……………..hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………… no it was after second terminal exam. There was a big picnic organized. Big school, total 2500 students or around that I guess. Its not possible for teachers to take all those students to picnic at the same time. It’d be like carrying the whole zoo with u.

Most of the times students are always looking at this kind of opportunity and my school were well known for that. They would generally plan things like, fights, proposing a girl or beating teachers or fellow students. I would not care about those things. Not because I didn’t want to fight, but because I was scared of Saru. Saru is the only who I am scared of after my parents. Nothing in this world can scare me but Saru can just stop me from anything.

I was not really scared of her. It was just a respect towards her that forced me to do what she wanted me to do. It was respect for her gentleness; it was a reward for her kindness. It was appreciation for her effort to not let me into bad habits. She never liked me smoking, I very seldom smoked in front of her. Not because I was scared, but because I respect her as an individual who is thinking about my good. She didn’t want me to get into fights, it was not for her. She was thinking for me.

We were always together and we are always together.

*Harkey, ghumna jaau hida*(lets go to see the place) Saru insisted me. I can’t say no. But again guys have their own plans. What more plan they would have, than to smoke weed. I can’t miss that either. Sagarnep looks at like a fierce eagle, like he’s ready to attack me if I went with Saru. Well that’s the only day for us to be free from school, home and all the rules and regulation. We are allowed to break the rules, but Saru ko rules, no way. It was not only rules, it was her lifestyle, it was her way of living, it was her way of thinking. The life she believed in and always wanted to live. I was in complete confusion.

The think-tank lizardking came with an idea. “Let’s all go together” and decided to call Tannu. Tannu is a hook for Sagarnep. She’s the only one who can stop him and his craziness. I looked at Saru…….She looked at me and we were deciding on it. Saru would not mind if I smoke few puffs, it’s a picnic……and time for fun. She won’t like it, but won’t mind it either. I knew that. So, we were very much decided to go towards the woods, it was like 20 minutes walk from there.

Dallipokchi poped up from nowhere. She was looking for lizardking and they both pretended they don’t care for each other and we also pretended we didn’t know.

Any way, three guys and three girls walked towards the woods. Sagarnep had tons of weeds, good enough for 10 people, and only 3 of us smoking. Tannu smoked sometimes, but not today. Saru was there, and they were friends as well, close friends to be more precise. Dallipokchi was not much close to any of them, but because of lizardking, she also was a part of group now.

Sagarnep, he’s master with weeds. He started loading and we smoked. Saru didn’t even look at me. She and Tannu left us and went further up into the woods.
I now feel, that was intentional but didn’t really cared that time. We were smoking and smoking and smoking, three of us were stoned. I was not unprepared either; I pulled out two bottles of vodka (quarter, 250 ml). Who cares for soda and rocks, or cranberry juice.

Opened and started drinking. We had to finish that before ladies were back. Fortunately we were able to finish one. Ladies arrived; Sagarnep stuffed every thing in one backpack. I pulled my backpack and we were ready to go. So, off we went to see the beauty of Kakani.

I am not a great fan of nature but Saru is….so I went with her for her and only for her. She took some pictures as well. We also were there in bunch of pictures. How can I miss to be in picture with saru.

Finally, we decided to go back to where our teachers were. Actually we were hungry. This time Saru decided to return. She had no complained even though we smoked. I don’t know if she wanted only us to go, but it was nothing different than being only two of us. Others were busy in their own world as well.

I now think I might have been insensitive towards her. I still don’t know if she wanted to go only with me that day. I tried to figure out many times, numerious times. But I could not. Sometimes she is so much reserverd, it makes me crazy. It makes me think, she doesn’t even trust me. This is not true again.

*Harkey, farkiyu hida jam, late bhayo aba* (lets go its late now) Saru said. And we found other two couples as well. Where and how, it can’t be explained in words, most important of all is we found them. And all we walked back to the camp. Food was ready, we were hungry. We were the happiest, we got food. Well it was kind of brunch for us. We were starving from morning, except for those coke and donuts we didn’t get anything to eat. Lunch was awesome, enjoyed it and I was feeling drowsy. I believe other were too. We were just chilling after lunch, and talking (all six of us) we saw three kids running towards us. Looked like kids from our school, but never know, there are so many students in school and none in uniform, its too difficult to figure out. All of us looked at each other but didn’t say anything. I was ready to kick their$$ who ever they were, but lizardking knew them.

Lizardking said “Mero bhai haru ho” (they are my brothers). Later he introduced us to those three kids; they were Snuff, these_keta and Gunit.

I knew one of them. Saru’s siganey baini Jellybeans was closer to one of them and thus I have seen them together lot of times. Never paid attention though, who they were.

Gunit, told us they were checking out place with three other girls. Lil_hottie, Jellybeans and Metalfreakgirl. I doubt they were checking out place but still….that’s what they told us. And some guys from other school teased those three girls, and they had a fight with them. And now they needed our help. Hot bloods, we were………..all of us. Since it also involved Saru’s sister, I had to go as well. Jellybeans was cute little girl, I always felt her as my own sister. That makes me more involved

I pulled out chain, Sagarnep got a iron rod from our school bus, and lizardking pulled out knuckles from his backpack. Webcop would have been a great support for us, but he was somewhere with earth_angel. Every one had their own world.

We six headed to the spot not realizing that the other guys would have asked for their support as well. We were all surprised……….there were around 60 people there waiting for us. The ratio was 60:6; we knew the result of that incident, but who cared. Those are the days, when you feel you can do everything in the world.

I don’t know about others, but I got to punch at least 3 guys, with metal chain. I don’t even know where those kicks were coming from. All we could save was our face, rest was on god. All I remember hearing is WEBCOP coming with his friends and those other guys running away. WEBCOP was known well, for his aggression and is affair with Earth_Angel. Nice guy, until he gets mad.

I didn’t get a chance to get in touch with others for a while, but I had internal bleeding even though there was not any puncture on my body. I was in hospital for couple days and was in complete bed rest for 10days. Dad, mom had to go to work. I was in complete bedrest, not even allowed to go out of room. Saru, stayed with me for those 10days. She took care of my medication, checked my schedule for my medication, and got all my medicines in proper order. Always made sure I got something to eat before I get my medicines. My mom didn’t really have to worry, when she was around.

She didn’t go to school for 10 days. That was pain for both of us. She was missing her classes for me. Every time I looked at her, I respected Saru more and love her more. What was the motivation for her to do all she did for me? There was none. The only fact was she was a girl, loving and caring by nature. Women cannot be rude, they cannot hate they are symbol of love and kindness. They share love in different forms; as a mother, as a wife as a friend as a sister and this was a relation without a name. It was more than friendship, I can’t disrespect our unique relationship calling it only friendship. There is no word to describe the emotional attachment we had after this incidence.

It was not only her beauty but her behavior, it was not only her voice but also her character, it was not only her good look but also her soul that was attracting more and more towards her everyday.

What ever I am thinking today, it did not happened suddenly. I did not wake up one day and decided to love Saru. It was accumulated over a certain period of time. The love and affection was generated over a decade. It was a love unspoken between us. I loved her and I believe she loved me too. Believed……………that was the root of my mental pressure today. I don’t really know if she loved me. I can’t read her mind and her behavior shows she does but………………

I wish I could go down on my knees, hold her hand in my hand and express my feeling to her. I wish I was able to pull out my heart and show her my heartbeat and the names it calls in every beat. I wish I could show the name that flows in my blood stream. I wish I could express the number of times my mind thinks about her every day and every night. I would go to the end of the world to tell her how much I loved her.

A gentle word like a spark of light,
Illuminates my soul
And as each sound goes deeper,
It's you that makes me whole

There is no corner, no dark place,
your love cannot fill
And if the world starts causing waves,
It's your devotion that makes them still

And yes you always speak to me,
In sweet honesty and truth
Your caring heart keeps out the rain,
your love, the ultimate roof

So thank you my Love for being there, I
For supporting me, my life
I'll do the same for you, you know,
You are my beautiful you are my life.

“Ok all of you close your books and we have class test today.” Wow…….surprises comes in package. This was one of those packages. No one told me we had class test.

*Saru, we had test today* my only trustable source of information. Its not that I don’t trust others, but it’s like I trust her more than myself.

*Khai, I don’t remember* Saru answered. I have never heard it before. Saru is always up to date with everything. But this time…………..were we on the same dilemma………were we thinking same way? I don’t know the answer.

Today it has been pretty rough for me. I am kind of loosing my mind. It was never like this before. Well, I have been saying this from morning and have not been able to get Saru out of my mind.

Now, I need to be strong, need to speak my heart. I have to tell Saru, what I think. It is the best time. If I can’t tell her today, I can’t tell her ever in my life. I would rather suppress my feelings and would not let it out again.

Letting your mind out is a different thing. Every one is not outspoken, every one cannot speak their heart. There is always a fear factor, the fear to lose your friend, the best friend. Saru………..she is not only a friend; she is more than a friend.

But, now I have to decide. Decide on what I am going to say to her, decide on how I am going to tell her, that I LOVE her. How do I tell her that I wanted to live my life with her? How do I tell her that I wanted to be with her now, for rest of my life? How do I tell her, she is the one, the perfect one. How do I ask her, if I am the perfect one for her as well? What do I do, if she says NO.

The fear to lose holds people from game lot of times. The fear to lose is dominant over the excitement to win. Every one wants to win but is scared to lose. The one scared to lose are the losers, they didn’t even try. I don’t want to be a loser, I want to be a winner, but am scared of losing.

I want to say Saru……

You are my heart, you are my soul
You are the one who makes me whole
You are the missing part in my life
You are the one who can guide my life

You are the reason for me to live
You are the reason for me to breathe
You will feel my love when we are apart
Knowing that nothing will change my heart

When you are sad, I will dry your tears
When you are scared, I will comfort your fears
When you need love, my heart I will share
When you are sick, for you I will care

If the king can have his throne,
if the birds can have their nest,
if God can have his heaven,
then oh! My sweetheart
Why can’t I have u????

The fear should not hold me back. The fear to loose Saru will not hold me back from giving a new name to our friendship. A relationship between to heart and two souls has to be named. I have to be bold enough to speak my heart, and let my feeling flow out.

As usual we came out of the school. I was quiet….so was she. I broke the silence.
Saru *I have to tell you something* I could barely speak.
*bhana Harkey* Saru replied

She sounded like she knew what I was going to say.

*Saru………………* I could not speak.
She looked at me, as if she wanted to say she loves me too, but didn’t speak. There was a silence again……………….we both could not speak……….

A longer silence was broken by my words
*Saru…..I LOVE YOU………..* I spoke.

Saru looked at me with a big question mark in her eyes. As if she wanted to say ‘what took you so long to say that, why didn’t u say that before, I knew that but was waiting to hear from you’ but didn’t speak a word.

I continued again. *Saru, I wanted to say this a long time ago, but some kind of fear had hold be back, the fear to lose you, the fear to lose your friendship and the fear to lose our happiness* I continued………….*Saru, I don’t know what you think and what you want but as for me; you are the only one I think about all the time. You are the perfect one for me*

Saru looked at me. I could feel the change on her face. The change for good, the change for acceptance and the change for approval, but did not hear that from her.

I am happy for letting her know my feeling. The thoughts that were ruling my mind for ages were gone now. The feeling prevailing my heart were erased, the word I wanted to speak was spoken.

She did not say anything, but I could feel the comfort she was into. Her comfort and the ease she was into forced me to believe, her decision was long made. She was waiting for me to speak; she was waiting for me to go a step further.

We went home, together as usual, but with a promise to name our relationship and our friendship. A name that will not be questioned by society, a name that will not be questioned by friends, a relation that will keep us together for ever and ever and ever.

I will never forget this day, the most important day in my life. It is the day, when I got my Saru, when I got my destination, when I got my direction. Now, I have a direction for destination and have destination to find direction as well. Now I knew where I was heading, now I knew what I was doing.
We have our exam on our head. We have to work hard for the board exam. Saru came to may place, she was with me for the whole day. Our never ending talks and never ending studies went hand on hand. I felt myself as the happiest person on earth then.

Saru’s parents had invited us for the dinner. It was a kind of small get together, not a big party. She went home to help her mom and I was home watching movie.

We went to her place on time. My mom was there a little while ago. There was no formalities between our families, so there was no specified time. I was the one to go last.

I went in, Saru was there smiling, we looked at each other and smiled. There was nothing more we could do except smiling at each other. The reason for that dinner was not specified yet, it was a surprise………..

Surprises were being unwrapped slowly. I would care less about the surprises. I don’t think those surprises would affect my life. I got my Saru, who cares about the rest. I was happy, and I think world was happy with me. There is nothing to care about for me now.

Uncle (Saru’s dad) starting with a big smile on his face.

*Let me start with ‘happy holi’ first. This party is because I got a job in a good company in New Zealand and have to report by the end of third week from today. So, we are leaving, Nepal*

We !!!!!!!! where did that WE come from. I was surprised…………..He has been an advocate of education and studies. So, I was sure Saru would be staying back.

*Good news is we are going abroad, good pay and we already have place to live there. Bad news is we would be missing all of you* he continued.

I could not believe what I heard. I didn’t hear what he said after that. The smile on my face was slowly gone and so was Saru’s. I felt like sky was falling on me. I looked at Saru……….there were question in my eyes “Why didn’t you tell me before, why didn’t u?”

My question was unanswered, but I believe Saru would tell me, if she knew about it. How can I be wrong about Saru? She’s the one I understand the most, she’s the one I know the most, she’s the one I love the most.

*But………..* I spoke * Saru ko exam, usko SLC cha ni* (Saru’s exam, she has board exam) a very unsuccessful attempt to change their decision. I knew it won’t, but still a hope………

*Saru, will complete her education there and will also start her higher education there. She has opportunity to study abroad now, and you CAN join her too* was uncle’s answer in a firm voice.
I CAN………where did this can come from. Wasn’t it supposed to be SHOULD…… but they would not understand us and neither would they understand our love for each other.

Saru………I could see tears in her eyes……..the eyes I promised to not let it wet with tears, was full of tears today. The heart, I promised would take care of for ever and ever was broken. I broke my promise……but I didn’t do it on purpose……..or I didn’t do it either. But still, I felt guilty for that.

Saru, didn’t come to school after that. We, had nothing to say to each other…….everytime we met, we looked at each other, I have millions of questions to her…..and I can see millions of questions on her eyes too……..all of them unanswered.
None of us could answer each other’s questions…or there were no answers for those questions.

Our questions unanswered…………who would answer it ?

Our promises broken……………who broke it?

Our heart crushed…………who crushed it?

………………….Ring!!!!!!!!!! Ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My alarm still goes off. At the same time as it used to……but there is no one to say *HarkeySSSSSS…............................* She was gone….

I ears are still waiting for……. The voice I would never hear again. The face I might not see again. The soul I would never meet again. The LOVE I would never find again……


Saru ko yaad maa ma ajhai tadpi raheko chu……………


There is no remedy for love but to love more.
- Thoreau -


There is no end for LOVE
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harkeDai
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mylove jee, thank you very much for representing me. I am speechless.................

I appriciate what you did. I also am very happy to know that u visit other website besides sajha as well. This posting was intended for sajhaities and the people who wanted to read it in sajha and wanted to post reply.

I would have appriciated more, if you would not have done so.

any way, thank you again


harkeDai:-)

Dear HarkeDai,

I am really sorry if I offended you, it was not my intention. I just thought it was such a wonderful story and thought it was such a torture for all the people in sajha to have to wait and go through what I went through.You wrote so beautiifully (in www.staticnepal.com) and it was a torture for me to have to wait and come back and check everyday 3-4 times a day to see if you had written more and finally when I got the chance to read all of it, it touched my heart. It was such a wonderful story and you narrated it so well. You should really write a book or something coz you really got great talent.

Sorry again HarkeDai,

Take care,
mylove

You did for a good reason...............its okie. It did not offend me, its okie u read it in other website too.

Rest, no comment.




harkeDai :-)