Few days ago,  I got an unexpected call.

''Halo''

-Helllooo, Amazing ho?

Ho, tara sorry hai maile ta chinina ni

-Abuuuuuuuuuuuui, timro swar ta kasto bhayako, maile ta chinnai nasakya, kaha chhau timi, ma Anita kya, Anitai. Birseu?

Anita?????? Anita Bhandari? Oh My God, timi ho? where r u? ani kaha bata aja samjhera fone garya? malai ta Bishwasai lagena, ani kaha bata payou ta mero no?

-----------------------

I was pleasantly surprised to get her call. Well, she was Anita Bhandari (22-23 I guess), my childhood friend. After talking to her for an hour I came to know that now she is married and is in Boston with husband. Its been total 6 years we have not met each other. Samparka pani huna sakena, yestai yestai bhayo.

Well, we were good friends in school though not the best. Tyahi pani Purano sathilai bhetda ekdum khushi lagdo rahechha. I was sooooooooooo happy to talk to her aba ke bhanne Purano dinka kuraharu garda sarhai ramailo lagdo rahechha. tyaspachhi 2-4 din ta schoolkai kura gardaima time bityo.

asti ho kyare, I met her online and I asked abt her life in detail, just as it Kasto chha, k chha, budale k garchhan adi ityadi. I thought it was a private question tara sathi nai ta ho bhanera sodhihale and later I sensed that it was not a right thing to ask

Ani masti hola ni hoina? I started conversation after formal ''Hi'' Hello

-K ko masti ni? baru timrai hola ni masti, aja euti bholi arki?

Heheh hoina k, timro life bhanya ni, Amrika ko life, recently married

-An tyastai ho ali ali

Moj chha hoina? timile pani kam garchhau?

-No,

Kina ni?

-Khai ke bhanne

Licence nikali sakya ho?

-??

La kina bujhpachayko? kids bhai sakyo bhanya ni

-hahah timi ta ajhai pani ustai rahechhau, khali nachahine kura matrai garne

Nani dekhi lageko bani LOL, bhana na katiwata chhan barsauta?

-Hyaa k kura garya, bihe bhayako balla 1 barsha bhayo, ani timro k hudai chha?

Mero? Karna das ko git sunya chhaina? Purano Dunga...heheh ustai ho

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I had to go somewhere so I said good bye and promised to talk to her later but she said ''Ek chhin guff garau na please''

''la thik chha tyaso bhaye, ani Jeevan Sathi khoi ta?'' I typed in my own style

-Kam ma, and perhpas he wil be back after 5 hours.

Buda nabhayako maukama guff hanya ho ki kya ho LOL

-Sathi sanga guff gara buda bhaye pani ke nabhaye pani k.

Wa wa mane maile timilai, Nepali sahitya padhay ho timile?

-Hyaa timi pani sadhai yestai, k timile bihe garepachi budi ko agadi kunai sathi sanga guff nagarne bichar chha jasto chha ni?

La timi sachchikai risayako ho?

-Hoina hoina....just kidding ni..Bajya moro bhanne belama ma je payo tyahi bhanchha.

----------That was her style to say Bajya Moro..whenever she likes someone very much.

Sakiyo yettikaimaa??

Contd..........

I typed ''La thik chha aba ma janchhu la, feri bhetaula ni hai''

-La la aba busy manchhe lai k bhanne, bholi aauchhau online?

Khai heru, aba yeta rat parda uta din hunchha...(Though she knows Im in Europe)

-La yedi milchha bhane aau la...bholi

Bholi? I will try ni,

-La thank hai. la aba jau timrai taruni sanga

hahaha , ani bholi timro buda gharmai ho? La mero pani hi bhandeu la.

-Ok sure, but he may not be here.

-----------------NEXT DAY----------

-Hey  sanchai? She started now

A sanchai ani timi ni?

-Yep, life goes on

Kina ho yesto Birakta? Dherai Narayn Gopal ko git sunera ho? (I always connect situation with songs LOl)

- (She said nothing)

Eh Anita, maile timilai 2-4 din dekhi timro married life ko kura sodhdai chhu tara kina ho timile ta kehi pani bhaninau ni? Ani budako barema pani kehi bhana na.

-Eh..bhanula ni, k ko hatar..a bhana na baru timro GF ko bareama? GF haru ta tanna hola ni hai?

Yestai ta ho ni k GF, aja club ma bhetyo bholi bihana uthda ''who are u'' bhanchhan

-hahhahaha Yo bajyale sarai hasaune bhayo LOL

La la dherai kura nalukau, timro married life ko kura bhana....

-ok sure, I will.

Ani aru......

(Yestai yestai huda kura sakiyo)

-----------------------

I knew she was trying to hide someting and I was digging, it made me curious to know her new life in detail. this afternoon I got a long mail from her, I cant directly post the mail here so I re-write her loooooooong email here (trying to summarise the main points)

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Hi Amazing, timi sanga dherai pachhi kura garna pauda Im so glad. Ma yeti khushi chhu ki bhanna sakdina. Timile mero married life ko barema sodheko sodheko garyou. Mero biha bhayako 1 barsha bhayo ani Boston aayako 7 mahina. Sakesamma yo kura kasailai nabhanu bhaneki thiye but u keep digging the same thing so I must disclsoe here. Timilai ta thaha chha, I rather stay quiet but dont lie.

Hamro bhet nabhayako pani 5-6 barsha bhayo so I dont know if its good idea to share my private life with you but it seems u were really curious to know so im sharing. Never think in other way.

About my husband, his name is Ramesh Adhikari and he is from Palpa, he is here in US for last 9 years. Hamro biha ekdum hatar ma bhayako ho. I donot know why my parents were in great hurry. Maile bhaneki tiye ki malai biha garne hatar chhaina bhanera but they were forcing me a lot and lot. Yesto keta kaha painchha ra bhanthe. But I did not have any affair with anyone, just I wanted to study further and thought it was too quick to get married. Mero bihe hune belama ma Tansen mai BBS 2nd year padhdai thiye.

U know im a very simple girl and I never had big dream to come to any foreign country. Ani hamro family background pani timilai thaha chha. Mero biha yeti chhito bhayo ki malai afailai bishwas chhaina. Mangalbar keta herna aaye ani Sombar bihe bhayo. Malie kati bhane mummy bubalai ma biha gardina bhanera tara uhaharu mero agadi runubhayo ''Chhori yesto mauka gumaunu hudaina bhanera''. Ani malai pani sarhai dukha lagyo. Timilai ekdum sukhi rakchha, keto ramro chha, khandani ho, Amrikako Card chha re bhanera ekdum fakaunu bhayo.

Frankly bhannu parda, malai bihe garne mann nai thiyena. Ma padhchhu bhanera bhane ani Ketale ''Padhne bhaye ta Amerika pani ta painchha ni'' bhanyo re. Tyai pani ma biha garna bhanda pahila ajha ek patak keta sanaga bhetchhu bhanda Mummy Buba risaunu bhayo ''Talai kina yeti janni huna paryo'' bhannu bho. Yestai yestai bho mero biha bhayo.

Biha bhayepchhi manakamana, Pokhara, Nagarkot ghumna gayou. Ani 10 din mai budha Amrika farke. Then he came again after 5 months to bring me. Our age difference is 11 years.  he loves me tara kina ho kina Malai patakkai mann pardaina. Uhako ra mero bichar nai patakkai mlidaina. He is neither American nor Nepali. Maile bujhnai sakina. Hunata its beginnig, I hope it will be better gradually. I never like him. For him WORK is the first priority. Amrika baseko 9 barsha bhayo re he has never been to othe state. I tried hard to change him but its v v diffcult.

When I said I want to study here he was so angry ''Kina padhnu paryo aba, aba khurukka kam garne,  tyatro dollars kharcha garera padhna sakidaina''. I dont know what he is saying now. I dont like anything about him, his music taste, his sleeping habits, his attitude, his laziness, his clothing style. Malai kehi pani mann pardaina. He knows nothing about life. Sarai achammako manchhe. Malai ta budha bhanna pani laj lagchha. His attitude is different. He thinks he is the most demanding Nepali becoz he has Green Card. Usko lagi Amrika ma aayeka sabai Nepaliharu barabar re. Ek din- dui din ta hunchha tara kasari yesto manchhe sanga jindagi janchha? And there are many other factors too.

Ma sadhai yo kura samjhera eklai runchhu. Maile ajha samma kasailai pani yo kura bhaneik chhaina. Pleaes please kasalai nabhana la. Maile kehi gare bhane gharma mummu bubalai kati dukha hunchha hola. Sadhai gharbata fone aauchha, ekdum thik chha bhanchhu.....kahilyai pani yesto kura bhaneki chhaina. ani phone garepachhi eklai rudai baschhu.

Ani malai yo americako life pani mann parena. aba afno manchhe nai yesto bhayepachhi amrika ta jasto bhaye pani ke bhayo ra? Mann milne koi sathi pani chhainan. Yesto jindagima ramauna sakdina. Ma ke garu ke garu bhai rakhay chha. Saritale asti Hongkong bata phone garda timro phone no diyepachhi malai kati khushi lagyo. tara please yo kura kasailai nabhana la,

La ba timi nai bhana ma ke garu? Ma Ramesh sanga basna sakdina hola....jindagi bitauna garho chha, bharkhar ta ma 23 barsha bhaye. Yedi maile kehi naramro kadam uthaye bhane gharma katti naramro asar parla? Mummy bubalai samajle ke bhanla? Malai ta hamro samaj dekhera pani sarhai ghreena lagchha. Keta manchhe le je garepani hune. Samaj ra pariwarko khyal nagarne bhaye maiel pahila nai arkai kadam uthauthe tara janma dine ama baulai chitta dukhanuau hudaina. Malai k sochnuhunchha hola...tara ma yesari jindagi bitauna sakdina.

Sayad ma US ma basdina hola. ma Rameshlai sabai kura bhanera kura final garchhu but Im not sure if he will leave me like this. Tara ma jasari bhaye pani US chhodchhu. Nepal ma gayera basna pani samajle k k bhanne ho malai. Ahile ma gharma Ramesh nabhayako bela net ma IELTS practice garchhu, ra Sept 2008 intake ko lagi tayari garchhu. Ek mannle US mai basau jasto lagchha tara feri arulai bhanne bato hunchha, Amrka aunako lagi biha gari bhanne  arop lagla tyasaile aba Australia tira try garchhu. Tyata tira pani yeso college herdai rakha na hai mero lagi. Tara timile anyatha nalinu. I know I wont like u too

Mero mannma ajkal sadhai yestai yestai kura kheli rahanchha. Mero jindagi yesto hola bhanera socheki thiyena. Ghar pariwarma maile ke bhanera mukh dekhaune hola.. malai samajle ke bhanla? Rameshko ke hola? Mummy Bubako mann kati dukhla, sathibhaile ke bhanlan? Yi sabai kura samjhida mero yehi jindagi nai thik ho jasto lagchha tara ma ramesh sanga patakkai basna sakdina. Aba bhana ma ke garu?

Please yo kura kasailai nabhana la

Oohi dukhi sathi

Anita Bhandari, Boston

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Oh My God, I was so hocked to read this mail and called her immediately. She cried on the phone. She could not speak even a word. I too cried. I felt really bad for her. I just shared this story here in sajha so that she would get some suggestions. I told her abt www.sajha.com and took her permission to write abt our conversation/email, though name has been changed for the obvious reason.

 

 

baru nepali am lekhe hunthiyo ni padnai garo

In the flood of stories, it's very different one with real story.  I read all but could not understand the real situation. What was your suggestion amazing? uhi ketale chahe barsa din ketile chahe ekai chhin ta hola ni. kasailai rokna nchahi sakidaina but 'it is sad story'. keta dherai janne ani keti thorai bujhne hola. So I like to say "Avoid generation gap". Freedom does not give you your real happiness as you expect.

Amazing, you cannot say anything for sure until you hear both sides of the story. In my experience, people always talk about the marital problems with more than just a little exaggeration. Having said that, I think your friend "Anita" should talk to her husband about her feelings about him. She should tell her that she was married to him against her wishes and his tastes are not compatible with hers. If Ramesh does not listen, both should talk to a common friend - someone mature enough.

My own wife has destroyed my reputation by talking to everyone about me as if I was a monster and I mistreated her. I admit that I did act in a way that was unfair to her for some years but she kept her feelings to herself. If I had known that my actions were having a very negative effects on her I would have stopped it then. But she told me when it was too late (for her, as she says). Its been a long time since I stopped my habits that she did not like but she did not forgive me and instead started treating me very badly. I took her abuses in hope that her anger towards me would subside and we may get together some day. But she kept growing worse from bad. And finally I packed up and left. I still want to help her from afar but now I cannot live with her. A few of our friends who are close to us have not begun to realize that what she told about me were not true but false accusations. If she had told me about her feelings right at the beginning, things could have been better. However, she kept it inside her. And she told me (in fact, she told other people first and they told me) too late. She had made her mind up.  

Your friend Anita should also talk to her husband. She should ask him is he wants to save the marriage and cooperate with her. They should try to understand each others' problems and their wishes. But it seems it has been too late for Anita too. She did not talk about her problems with anyone for a long time and kept it suppressed inside of her. However, there is still a chance that they could work it out. Ask your friend to give it a try.

 

This story may or may not be true but I am sure there are hell lot of couple in this situation in US.

In this case, Anita doesn't dislike him for how he treats him, but in fact what is actually is- his whole personality. Whatever her reasons and excuses are, but she married him without knowing him too well. And that guy may not be a bad guy at all. He is just a hardworking individual, and is into his own life.  He has his taste of music, dresses and his own definition of fun. Just because he is married doesn't mean he should change himself to what suits his wife. Certainly there will be comprises, but this girl just doesn't like him. She doesnt at all talk about if it would be okey for her if he changed some behaviours of him.

If he is just an honest and hardworking guy,  then she might be messing up with his life.

that was a fun conversation.

sometimes i also start it the same way being funny and carefree.

pachhi afailai jhyau lagchha and i end the conversation myself.

Ramesh will never change until her wife (Anita) want to change him.
Example: She can lovely say, this kind of cloth looks great on him, etc.

Married life is a compromise. So Ramesh and Anita both should compromise 50% of their original life style to make happy each other. The result is 150% for benefit for both.

In this situation, Anita should start her steps by trying to please him with her choice of things. Gradually she can put her demands and he will certainly listen if he is not a bad guy.

Cultural shock can be another problem for her. She should get chance to meet other people and understand the American life  (Nepali's life in America). This will give her some sense why Ramesh is like that.

Good luck Anita.

     typo = her wife, should be his wife... correct when you read if there are other errors in the previous comment.

Anita, if you are reading this-

You made a big mistake by getting married despite of your unwillingness. You shouldn't have, if you didn't want to. You Could anytime convince your parents. I know it would have been hard but not impossible. You didn’t want to get married BUT you never tried to not get married. And just wanting yields nothing. Do you realize that you messed up so many lives by doing this!

My sister did the same thing. She married a guy chosen by her family, when she didn’t want to. And now she tells me that she can’t stand him for even a moment. She doesn’t like anything he does or says or wears. And she tells me that he looks like a momo, which, to be honest, he does! But he used to look like a momo even before marriage, so why did she marry him! And now she is telling me that she’ll get divorced. I know the guy loves her very much and as much as I feel sorry for the guy I also understand that one sided love can never lead to a fruitful marriage. So, boys & gals marry the person whom you love & not whom your parents love. And please don’t let anyone fall prey to your unsure actions.

So, Anita realize your mistake and learn from it.

And as it is said, it’s better to light one small candle than to curse darkness.

so DON’T CRY! ‘coz if you’ll cry too much then you’ll suffer from dry eyes( telling you from personal experience )

And that poor guy ,my dear ,is not at fault. He’s just who he is and what he has always been.

But if you don’t see a future with him then there’s no point sticking to him .Sometimes it’s wise to be direct with people, So tell him everything and apologize!

Move to Australia(or any other country you desire) and start a new life with new people around. And as far as you family is concerned, tell them your reasons behind doing all this, tell them that you could never be happy with him and vice-versa .They might not easily accept it but with time they will,‘Coz for parents it’s their children’s happiness that matters the most.

And as for samaj- well, we all know how our samaj is but if my sister doesn’t care then why should you! Just give a damn! Ek dui din kura garcha ani affai bhulcha……Be strong and everything will work out just fine.

And I’m sure ramesh will find someone who fits him, Or maybe you can help him find someone.

Good luck!

Hmmm.... A kind of serious issue...  The suggestions on these issues differ from person to person, the main thing is what "Anita" thinks,  feels and is willing to do next.

Personally, I do not agree with Aviator so much.  Although we live in the foreign countries now, we belong to a society where marriges are regarded as a tie up for whole life. Although, it is not necessary to tolerate  the person whom u do not like and live with an acute pain in heart and mind  forever;  leaving him without trying to do anything positive may not be a good choice.

Anita, you should try to dig into your husbands positive sides at first. All people have some good and bad aspects, if we see the good aspects, we start to like them as well. And, remember, love is the greatest force in the world, you can make anybody changed with your love. His life style may be different than  your but it is not necessary that every people have the same lifestyle. "Alikati timi change hau, Alikati uslai banau" then your life becomes easier. do not take any decisions in haste.

These realtionships in our lives are very delicate we have to love and take care of these relationships. If you think you can not live with him after doing everything you can do, then you can leave him but you need to think 100 times before taking this decision.

May be I am sounding very conservative but I really really think that Anita should try something to make her life better. Do not cry Anita, be positive and do something now confidently. You can do it.

i m so agree with Newkt. pls talk to ur husband and tell him what u feel about him. and anita before u take any decision think first. good luck

there are good suggestions up there.  i also agree with newkt and few others that life is not a fairy tale.  since you are already married, you should try your best to work this out.  you are new here in usa, it takes sometime to know the life style and hard work people do over here.  there is nothing wrong with anita's husband working hard.  however, he should allow her to study as well if she wants to.  try to workout before making any decision.  if he also does nt love anita and harrasing her, then anita can think of somethign else.  otherwise, both need to workout.  like someone said, its not only about you, its abut so many lives associated with you two. 

she must b a really strong person. she is going thru all this and she's still being humorous and playful with u. a person like her should b able to stand on her own and talk about her issues with her husband. obviously the problem seems to b the age difference and her husband's frustration with american life.

c she said that he's here for 9 whole yrs and he hasn't even traveled to another state. that's quite problematic. i'm not trying to b a doctor but focusing on these things the problem is with himself. after all they r married now, so first anita should try to change his ways before thinking about giving up and leaving him. i know how sick it feels to b with a person like that but a relationship can b fostered only if both partners r dedicated.

hey anita try some new ways like insisting him to travel beautiful places preferably out of the state. take him to exciting gathering and parties. ask him to help u with household works like cooking. share your past life and ur interests.

telling him about his bad habits can hurt him so ask his old frens to point out his negative points when u all r together( in a playful way). ask him about his day after work. tell him what makes u happy. how can he change himself and his ways unless he doesn't know about ur preferences and ur likeness.

give it a shot. even it didn't help then just one wheel can't pull the cart ahead. he must not b interested in the relationship either. desert him.

good luck.

BTW, my mom and dad have age differece of 10 yrs too and couple of yrs. back, they celebrated their 25th anniversary. frankly in 12 months my dad is out of the home for 9 whole months. he is a real work-horse, but still they find the ways to hold on to their relationship.

hope u'll find ur way too.

this story reminds me of the movie

Kabhi alvida na kahina

this story reminds me of the movie

Kabhi alvida na kahina

Just like Kabhi alvida na kahena

ya exactly. good example sarkis.